Tricks

AARON,19
Sometimes I used to go to St. Mary’s church in the Hague. When the junkies would come out, line their shiny objects on the ground. That’s where I went. When there was no service, it was empty. And I’d take my little dog with me. Put my little dog in my sweatshirt, tucked away in my sweatshirt. And I’d splash holy water on my face, and then splash holy water on my dogs face. And sit in the back, and think of home, or not think at all. Faith, faith is a tricky thing. I fought faith a lot, and people of ‘faith’ fought me. You just ever do so much stuff that you don’t know what you want to be forgiven for? Wrong is relative, cause you’re just trying to live, survive.
I went to catholic school growing up. I’m Irish-Catholic. First generation. My mom wanted me so badly to be an altarboy and I couldn’t cut it. All I had to do was just stand there. And sometimes I try really hard to remember the first thing. The first thing I did where it started. I don’t know maybe it was playing with myself or something. Lookin at men. Mouthed off to my parents. I don’t know. And if I could remember that first thing, if I could ask for forgiveness for that first thing, and gotten it, then maybe I wouldn’t have done everything else. Maybe I wouldn’t be here.
But sitting there in the back, 17 years old, with my little dog tucked in my shirt, dirty, just sitting there I belonged, I was forgiven. Cause people didn’t get in the way.

It's not you it's me

So I haven't been monologuing as I've been writing in her headspace. See below.
http://lindsaymccove.tumblr.com/
www.wonderfullifedailly.com

Hungry

Becca, 24
Do you know what its like to be hungry? Like empty hungry. Hopeless hungry. Check clearing hungry. Three days. Three dollars. It’s an empty shakiness. And it doesn’t matter how you got here, or that you’re not the sort of person who gets here, cause there’s that physical fact. The hunger, the frustration in your stomach. So you dress up, and straighten your hair, and order water at the bar. And pretend. Bide your time. ‘I’m tired I should be getting home’ An hour before the subway stops. ‘Big day tomorrow’. The walk’s fine. I don’t want to be comfortable. I chose not to be comfortable. I had every opportunity, every opportunity. New clothes, mom’s car, ivy league. Never wanted for anything, I’m of able body, and able mind, and I chose this. I chose this. (This temporary artistry).
And I understand. I understand those that pretended with charge cards and mortgages, and empty homes. Because of the hunger.

The other woman

Sometimes things don't fling. (For some girls I'll never meet, and have been.)

ELIZABETH,27
Hi. Thanks for coming. Can I get you something? You want a coffee or something? I bet you drink coffee, you seem like you’d drink coffee. I drank a lot of coffee in college. You sure you don’t want a tea or something? Thanks.. for meeting me. Sorry I don’t mean to stare. And I’m staring. Nice weather today. It’s LA I guess it’s always nice weather. I’m not used to that. I like having the seasons, feeling things. If it’s sunny what do you have left to dream of? Snow? How is he? No don’t answer that. I’m sure he’s fine. I’m sure he’s happy. I’m sure you’re happy. Are you happy?
I don’t know you, and I’m not going to assume anything.. about you. Because my imagination’s been doing that for a while, Creating this empty-outline person. To fill in. This girl. Who’s simple, not in a stupid way. But less complicated. And I realized that’s not fair. That’s not fair. because you don’t know me, you didn’t even know I existed. I’m not even the past. I’m less than that. And I don’t pretend to know about whatever it is you’ve gone through. But you’re lucky. I think you’re lucky. I don’t know you, but I think you’re lucky. Because you get to do laundry and watch movies, and have fights, and be real. And you’ll have a beginning, middle and an end. Unless you uhm-you’re lucky. And I think you should know that.
And yeah he’s difficult, and childish and everything I never knew I wanted, and maybe he’s different. People change. Grow. I just need to- no I don’t need to know anything. I just need to tell you that right now, you’re lucky. And you should know that.

Timing’s a funny thing isn’t it.

Yes, you, you there I'm talking to you.

I know there are a few of you, reading this stuff. (You've told me drunkenly at parties). My cheap form of websiting as I don't have a camera man to shoot these things yet, nor can afford a url at the moment. So if you're so kind as to listen to these voices, and they make you think something, anything('Melissa has a lot of free time' 'God I've never seen the phrase 'I mean' used so much' 'I hate these people and your face', good, bad, indifferent thoughts...whatever) Give a shout back.

The talk

I am the daughter of a therapist, I have a friend who has never been. I can't tell who's better off."
>KATIE,29 First time in Therapy
I just talk I’m a talker. I talk.. too much. And I’m trying to not do that, to be a better listener. Talk less. But it’s hard you know because there’s that lull. And I know I know some people can sit with the lull, the silence but the truth is I can’t. And I’m being too honest, maybe. That’s my other thing, I guess it leads to the talking but I’m just too honest. My dad, my dada used to say ‘Our little Katie Kat doesn’t know a stranger’. That’s what he called me. My real names Katherine. But everyone calls me Katie, right, you know that. I’m trying to phase back to Katherine, at least professionally you know, but uhm. That’s a nice print. Flower print. Uhm supposed to be calming, well it is. Anyway he used to say I didn’t know a stranger cause I’d just talk to anyone, you know on family trips and stuff, and I don’t.

Am I talking too much? I mean I am paying you to listen right. I mean just not listen. I mean I’m sure you do more than listen I’m not saying you got degrees just to listen. Although I’m sure you are, seem like a good listener. But I’m supposed to be, honest with you. This isn’t like real world practice is it? Like a model for how I’m supposed to interact with others? It’s more for analyzing it. Ha I guess right? It’s called analysis. Sorry its just I’ve never paid to talk to anyone before, and now I feel guilty. And suddenly I’m just extremely self aware and feel narcissistic, which is ironic I guess. Ironic right? I don’t know I was a finance major. I’m a type A. You figured that out. Of course. So how long have you been doing this? Sorry, can you answer that? You don’t need to. I’m just trying to.. listen. See progress, five minutes in and progress, I told you I was a type A! This must be a humorless job. You can’t exactly laugh at your patients. Right? Even if what they say is funny you can’t laugh at them. I, I laugh a lot. I try to laugh at work. Accounts payable is not funny, nor fun really, but I try to laugh. Laughter is an integral part of physical wellness. It oxygenates your blood, thereby increases energy levels, relaxes your muscles and works out all your cardiovascular and respiratory systems. It’s paramount really. I’m just a happy person. Always have been. Sure things get you down but you just have to treat a crisis like an opportunity. Like this, this here, why I’m here, this is an opportunity. An opportunity for more knowledge of self and wellness. To learn. Because we’re broken open for a reason. I’m not broken, I’m broken open that’s different. I’m more exposed…so you can see the layers. Does that make sense to you?

Insomnia

BETH ANN,31

I don’t want to go to sleep. Because if I sleep I dream. And the dreams. The dreams. The thing about the dreams is eventually you have to wake up. And I don’t want to wake up. Because it’s just a reminder that this, this is it. And that, that is not. So I pace, and I drink these teas, you know. That sleepy time tea with the little bear-man in the nightcap. In his little nightgown, people don’t wear nightgowns anymore. I like nightgowns. And I count things. More to appease myself than anything else. And sometimes you know I start the dream when I’m awake, so maybe I remember like part of it. But it’s not fair, because it’s always better. And they’re mine, they’re my secret you know so I’m not going to tell you. It’d sound stupid anyway. But the waking up. The waking up’s the hardest part. Cause you can’t remember it all.
And people say be happy you know, be happy as if it’s a choice you know? And maybe it is maybe I’m just not choosing hard enough, trying hard enough. My mom. My mom used to say smile and the joy will follow. What else did she say? Something stupid uhm ‘Safety doesn’t happen by accident’. And ‘ I could care less’ which is wrong because it meant she actually cared. She did. Or pretended to. She wore turtlenecks, wear’s turtlenecks my mom. She’s very chipper, perky. Sweet. I wish I was more sweet. I mean she’s not dumb. She seems dumb but she’s not. She’s just southern. And we don’t believe in medication, my family. They don’t. We believe in prayer. ‘The lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped’. And that’s fine I just think the Lord made Zoloft. He made this. And I wasn’t raised Christian scientist or anything, it’s just it’s just you dealt with your problems. Well you ignored them. You pretended to be happy until you were. Simple as that. God my head hurts. I don’t drink enough water. I don’t do a lot of things, enough.
Sorry I didn’t mean to yawn. No I’m fine. Thanks. Thanks for sitting up with me. You’re exhausted aren’t you? No go to sleep I’ll be fine, seriously. It’s sweet of you really. Bless your heart. Ooh that’s another one she used to say. I had this English teacher in high school that used to just say ‘bless’ when someone sneezed, and I hated it. It was like just the verb. Like who was doing the blessing? was she? I don’t know it just seemed pretentious. Please go to sleep. Really , I’m fine. Will be fine. I mean I’m here.
It’s funny when I was little, real little I never used to dream. Isn’t that when you’re supposed to, you know dream, have childhood dreams? All that. But if I did I never remembered them. I just slept straight through. Crashed. I don’t remember exactly, when they started. Maybe it was when I needed them. I don’t know. High school or something. Is that strange though? Do you remember yours? And I don’t have nightmares neither, those are when I wake up. When I wake up the nightmares begin.