Insomnia

BETH ANN,31

I don’t want to go to sleep. Because if I sleep I dream. And the dreams. The dreams. The thing about the dreams is eventually you have to wake up. And I don’t want to wake up. Because it’s just a reminder that this, this is it. And that, that is not. So I pace, and I drink these teas, you know. That sleepy time tea with the little bear-man in the nightcap. In his little nightgown, people don’t wear nightgowns anymore. I like nightgowns. And I count things. More to appease myself than anything else. And sometimes you know I start the dream when I’m awake, so maybe I remember like part of it. But it’s not fair, because it’s always better. And they’re mine, they’re my secret you know so I’m not going to tell you. It’d sound stupid anyway. But the waking up. The waking up’s the hardest part. Cause you can’t remember it all.
And people say be happy you know, be happy as if it’s a choice you know? And maybe it is maybe I’m just not choosing hard enough, trying hard enough. My mom. My mom used to say smile and the joy will follow. What else did she say? Something stupid uhm ‘Safety doesn’t happen by accident’. And ‘ I could care less’ which is wrong because it meant she actually cared. She did. Or pretended to. She wore turtlenecks, wear’s turtlenecks my mom. She’s very chipper, perky. Sweet. I wish I was more sweet. I mean she’s not dumb. She seems dumb but she’s not. She’s just southern. And we don’t believe in medication, my family. They don’t. We believe in prayer. ‘The lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped’. And that’s fine I just think the Lord made Zoloft. He made this. And I wasn’t raised Christian scientist or anything, it’s just it’s just you dealt with your problems. Well you ignored them. You pretended to be happy until you were. Simple as that. God my head hurts. I don’t drink enough water. I don’t do a lot of things, enough.
Sorry I didn’t mean to yawn. No I’m fine. Thanks. Thanks for sitting up with me. You’re exhausted aren’t you? No go to sleep I’ll be fine, seriously. It’s sweet of you really. Bless your heart. Ooh that’s another one she used to say. I had this English teacher in high school that used to just say ‘bless’ when someone sneezed, and I hated it. It was like just the verb. Like who was doing the blessing? was she? I don’t know it just seemed pretentious. Please go to sleep. Really , I’m fine. Will be fine. I mean I’m here.
It’s funny when I was little, real little I never used to dream. Isn’t that when you’re supposed to, you know dream, have childhood dreams? All that. But if I did I never remembered them. I just slept straight through. Crashed. I don’t remember exactly, when they started. Maybe it was when I needed them. I don’t know. High school or something. Is that strange though? Do you remember yours? And I don’t have nightmares neither, those are when I wake up. When I wake up the nightmares begin.