Sunday, February 26, 2012


Validation, That's all we want right? Validation? You see me, you hear me, you care that i exist. That somehow my non existing would make some sort of hole, some void, that I'd like to think you couldn't fill but you probably could.

They can hire someone new for my job, and my parents will be sad in so much as I'm an extension of them. The love they feel as any parent does out of obligation, not to demean it, but  it's not a love they'd feel if I was wasn't their kid, just someone they met at the farmer's market or a dinner party. So that's them. And my friends have other friends, other people to call and vent to, or laugh with, and yes on occasion they'll miss me, and say it's a shame but they'll learn to fill the void. And it... I will be something that sneaks up on them from time to time. And you can and will meet someone new, or have already. Look at you meet people every day. And I am and will not be your last one. The deli guy where I get my coffee will think I moved, as will my cobbler, my pharmacist, people so rarely say good bye. There will be one less person at mass on Christmas, one less voice cheering for the phils, one less person waiting for the N train at Ditmas.. And the cats will eventually make noise to alert a neighbor, or the smell will be too much, or Johnny will come over like I asked and pick them up, check on 'em. Please don't come over, you're allergic or say you are or whatever. It will be okay, they'll find other laps.

And eventually the money I owe will be paid,  my things will be sold and dispersed and people will have pieces of me. Things  that they'll find in their closet or catch their eye on their bookshelf. I'm giving Stef my copy of Denial of Death,  just cause it'll piss her off.  And a friend from college or high school, or a drinking pal will say one day 'whatever happened to?..' and they'll think for a moment to call and then go on having their drink. And that's not a slight, it's just ilfe.

I don't know that we ever get this feeling of validation, and maybe a secret little part of me thinks I will after the fact. And another part knows there is no after the fact. My mother would hate me for saying it, but let's face it it's a possibility. I am an autonomous one. I have had no measurable impact on my community, created nothing of great substance, have no real family, no official relationship, no dependents, no ones life or livelihood is resting on me. And you will say my dear that I am wrong. That I am needed. You will scream from the rafters that I am validated. YOU will validate me. Scream, validating my existence. And I won't be there to hear it. Because the truth is, it's not something you can ask for? And if you have to ask, it's too late.

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